TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely out of put. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer All people a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest component on the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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